It ends tonight. (It's kind of ramble-y)

My goal for today was to stop trying to be perfect. This is something I have prayed over for so long. All my life I hid myself and tried to be perfect, pushing those I loved away when they got close enough to see the flaws on my porcelain skin. I was so afraid of getting hurt. I was so afraid that I wasn't good enough, so I built this wall around my heart to protect me from myself. Slowly that wall is crumbling. I would rather be hurting than numb. I kept this box of everything that held sad memories: roses from an ex, the hospital bracelet from my first suicide attempt, the ring that Jon gave me the night he proposed. I kept telling myself that one day I was going to burn that box and all the memories would disappear, but after yet another fight with Jon, after yet another day of tears and memories of him, after yet another day of trying to keep myself together, I have realized that these memories are not going to just vanish. I threw the box away about 10 minutes ago. Everything but Ian's hat. I'm giving that to Zahid, Ian's best friend. Looking at my tear-stained face, I know I'm not perfect. I know that I made mistakes. But I also know that I can stand before my Father, scars exposed, and still be fully loved by Him. Ryan's message on comfort has been stuck in my head recently. I know better than anyone that this life has hurt, but God has always been there. When I was younger I would scream out, begging God for an answer of why He was doing this to me, why He was hurting someone that He supposedly loved. Looking back, I did it all to myself. He tried so hard to get me notice. He did so many things to get my attention, but I just pushed Him away like I did with everyone else. Someone to remain unnamed looked at me when I was having one of the worst days depression-wise lately and said "Where's your Jesus now?" The words of my prayer the night before came to mind: "Don't turn Your back on me yet. I'm not that lost yet." I smiled back him through my tears and said "He's standing right in front of me with a flashlight." I'm done pushing everyone away. I'm done being too proud, or scared, or whatever I am, to admit that I'm not perfect. I'm not perfect. I'm afraid of being left alone, so instead I keep myself alone. I'm done. It ends tonight. I am so scared, but I know my Father is with me. It's going to hurt, I'm going to stumble, but I'm never alone, and I'll never drown. "The will of god will never take you, where the Grace of God cannot protect you." I believe You. I trust You. God, my life is in Your hands.