Same Old Song and Dance

You know those moments when you realize that all those changes you were adamant to make have fallen between the cushions of the couch that you've called home for the past few days, and it hits you like a ton of bricks that you're exactly where you started? Welcome to my here and now. Every situation is exactly the same, yet everything is completely different. Something has changed deep inside of me. Something pulls at my heart every moment that my mind's not where it should be. I used to wish things would be simple again; back to a time with self-inflicted wounds shielded my body from the real world and stupid arrogance made me feel like Superman--I could get away with anything. Now, as I sit in my bed with my heart pounding, hoping my parents don't find out I'm on the computer when I'm supposed to be sleeping, I can honestly say that I'm glad things aren't simple anymore. I know that this pull deep inside me to back away and think about something else, comes from The One who loves me more than I've ever deserved. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that most of my relationships in the past were an attempt to find the love my father never gave. I didn't want to be alone. But, like I said, something has changed. Mine is the only breath I can hear, but I know I'm not alone. Yes, there are times when I feel like the world is crashing down and I'm nothing but a screw-up. It is in those moments that I feel God reaching out to me saying "Take my hand and let's try this again, MY way." I know I can't do this alone. I had to fight off a lot of pride to get to a place where I can say that and truly believe it. I guess some changes did happen. I wonder what else is under these cushions...