The Difference Between Me and Them

Many Christians are tempted by the devil with things like lust or even a busy schedule. The enemy puts these obstacles in their way and waits to watch them fall right into it. Sometimes he puts depression or anxiety into thier lives. Beth Moore once said that the enemy watches us, learns us, then makes us feel as though we are the one thing we're afraid we are. He does some pretty nasty stuff, to other people.
Me?
What does he do to me every single time I feel worthless, stupid, unwanted?
Besides making me feel that way, I get the irresistible urge to tear my skin apart. I can happily say it's been almost one whole year since I last cut. But still, just knowing there are five razor blades in the room right next door makes me want to take one and see how much I'll bleed.
I mess up. A lot. I cry. A lot. I scream. A lot. I fail. A lot.
I just want to be perfect for my God.
And everytime I'm not...Here comes that urge again.

More Than a Masochist

I've always considered myself a masochist. I slightly enjoy inflicted pain on myself--physical and mental. That's probably why I never truly let go of Jon. That's probably why I've been trying to talk to him as just a friend and thus asking about his beautiful, amazing, better-than-I-could-ever-be girlfriend. I should be working on bible study homework. That's something I struggle with: making time in my day for God. It's so selfish, I know. Especially, when I rely on the words of this bible study so much to keep me mentally stable. She's been where I've been. Her name is carved on the walls of the pit I'm in; "Beth was here." So here I sit switching back and forth from my blog to Jon's IM to my bible study workbook sitting at the edge of my desk. More of my attention is on his IM. Such a masochist. Wait. My bible study. I am who God says I am. Does God say I'm a masochist? No. I don't think so. I know what he does say. I am blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, and forgiven. Maybe I'm more than just a masochist.