The Annual October 22nd Post

I keep telling myself these will end one year. It'll be a magical year when I wake up and he's back in my arms instead of where he know rests. A year when I'll stop blaming myself. A year when we'll all stop feeling this pain. It is this day that reminds me how truly selfish suicide is. Yeah, he was hurting and yes, it was my fault. But we didn't deserve this. We deserved to be able to call him and hear his voice, that same playful tone he always had when we were attempting "just friends." That tone that told us all he would be home someday. But this day, this dreadful, dreary day, just serves to remind us all of things that happened and things that never will again. Our last spoken words were not happy ones. That may be one of my biggest regrets. I know which is the biggest of all. It was a simple letter that caused three rewrites of my last letter to him. "2) I loved you." What I should have said, the truth, "I love you." Now it's too late and he may never know how I felt. He may never know that I forgave him for everything. He may never know that he always held my heart. Three years have come and gone since I last had hope of seeing him again. I kept the superstitions alive as long as I could, but the time has come to accept reality. He's dead. Gone. Buried. I'd like to believe he watches over us. I'd like to believe it was his voice calling my sister to me just in time. I'd like to believe that the sudden warmth and comfort during my hardest times is God giving him just one more chance to hold me. Today is October 22, 2008. Today marks the third year since Ian's suicide. Today is the day my heart breaks again, if only for a few hours, if only for a few tears.