An Apology of Sorts.

It's not hard to see, I'm not over you. I miss your kiss, the lure of your arms. I miss the way your lips formed "I love you." I miss how you could make me laugh out of my own frustration. I miss the way we aced like we were already married, reminders to bring my retainer case. I miss just getting in the car and driving, knowing that all I could ever want was in the seat next to me. I miss how we loved the same music. I miss how you would hold me when I was sick. I miss the way you looked at me that always made me cry. But mostly I miss you and I miss being your girl. You knew me better than everyone else, I opened up and let you in. I fell in love with you. I know now what my mistakes were. I should've told you how much I loved your voice. I should've shown you just how much I needed you. I shouldn't have rushed things. I should have talked instead of argued. It's true that you never know what you've got until it's gone, and now you're gone. I want to fight for you, but I don't stand a chance against her. I can't compare. She's everything I could never be. She's the manifestationof sexy, cool, and addictive. I just want to know I'm on your mind. To know that a little piece of you misses me would give me the momentum to start the battle. Maybe it's not meant to be, but I can't shake this urge to see. I spent everyday in your arms. I don't want to leave that behind. I loved it more than anything. You wouldn't believe the sacrifices I would make to feel it again.

Positive Post Tuesday

A little wired on caffiene so bear with me.

Today was my first real day at SBC (Borders Cafe). I rocked it. It really feels like a good fit. I'm a fast learner, which helped a lot. I actually ended up helping the two other trainees and making drinks for real customers while Tiffany trained on the cash register. I found out I make really good raspberry lattes. I can' believe how much God blessed me with this opportunity. Also, today was a real faith-test for me, but I am still holding on strong. In fact, I feel closer to God than I have in a long time. I found a song that helps me battle me fears: "Daddy's Little Girl" by KJ-52. You see, my big fear is that I'm not good enough, but this song reminds me that I'm beautiful and I'll always be my Daddy's little girl. This music is truly a blessing. It's nice to know that someone understands. This one is hard for me to write, but it was truly a highlight of my day. I explained in an earlier blog, that my response to hardship is cutting. Today I prayed and found in God the strength to put the blade away. I can honestly say that despite the strongest urges, I am cut-free. Well, I think that's all I've got. Oh yes, I've been reuniting with old friends and actually found out that the girl I've been praying for has been improving dramatically. Glory to God.

Denny // Grey's Anatomy

So, because I know I'm going to be emotional and edgy for the next few days, I figured I should explain why. On Grey's Anatomy is this woman named Izzie. Izzie is me. We are similar on so many levels. Well, she met this patient named Denny and they fell in love. It was amazing. Well, then out of nowhere, Denny died. It was Ian all over again. When sh couldn't move off the bathroom floor, I understood. I knew the pain she was feeling. I knew the pain she felt everytime he was mentioned. Denny, Ian, they became the same person to me. Well, Denny's back. It's almost like a ghost of him, but she can touch him, she can talk to him, she can kiss him. It's not fair. I had gotten so far, I hadn't even cried since October 22. But she has Denny back, so where's my Ian?? It's not fair. It's not fair!!

God provides.

Today I decided to buy a turkey to donate to KDUV FM's Turkeys for T-Shirts drive. All the turkeys are delivered to a needy family. I didn't really have the $30 for a big turkey, but I bought one anyways remembering what we learned in church these past few weeks. Sure enough, I get home and my mom found $500 of savings bonds people bought me when I was born. Now I can not only afford that turkey, but I can pay for my school and car insurance without any worries. When God says He'll provide for your good works, He means it.

In Addition

(No worries Micah, it's still positive.)

Steven and I have spent the past few days looking at apartments and I'm happy to say that we have found one in our budget and that I'm absolutely in love with. It looks like the San Francisco move is working out. He's deciding what he wants to. I support him either way. Oh, and just a little side note: I'll be posting a picture of my ring on my FaceBook. [:) :) :) :)] I am so glad that things are finally working out. I'm beyond happy that God brought someone into my life that I can pray and worship with and also just be happy with. I know things won't always be easy, but with the strength of the Lord, we can make it through anything.

Positive Post Tuesday

"Prayer is asking God for rain. Faith is bringing an umbrella." Sounds simple, right? Well, I prayed and prayed: "If you can hear me, let it rain." I had an umbrella, I wore a rain coat. Nothing. I was ready to give up. The sky was clear and the moon was lighting my backyard. Then, out of nowhere, it poured. Rain came first, then the clouds. I knew it was my answer. I couldn't believe God had actually answered a prayer. He was listening to me and I was fighting everything within me that screamed "No, he wouldn't do that for you" and fell back into His arms. I kept praying. I prayed for an escape from the stress in my life and He provided a safe way out. I prayed for the safe return of my school binder and recieved a call the next day saying it was found. As Deb's friend would say: "I'm in the zone."

Pen to Paper

You know how it feels when your on a swing and you get that one great push that makes you feel like your on the top of the world, or like you might go right over the pole? You know that rush of blood when you feel her lips touch yours? You know that surge of adrenaline when you step one foot over the edge and prepare for the biggest jump of your life?

That's the feeling I get everytime I put this pen to paper. My veins flow into my words, becoming one with every glide upon the surface. I know how to hit where it hurts. I know how to make it softer than your skin. This is it for me. This is the place where everything melts away. This is how I will spend my life.

Journalism. Novels. A blog here and there.

As long as I'm breathing, I'm writing.

Positive Post Tuesday

Remind me not to read my ex's blogs about me being abusive and terrible before having to write a positive post. This is going to be tough.

Well, the sweetest thing ever was done for me today, after a morning a terrible fighting. Steven was late picking me up from school because he was "running errands." I didn't mind, i had ran into an old friend and was enjoying conversation. Steven picks me up and mentions he forgot his wallet at my house, we would have to go grab that before we could get lunch. I get home and walk outside to talk to my mom. Then I remembered we were just stopping by to grab his wallet and my shoes. So I open the door to my room and on my bed are rose petals and all my favorites from Dai Bai Dang, on my desk are flowers and two little things of ice cream. It was so sweet. It was just really nice to know that even though I'm a terrible girlfriend, I'm not impossible to love. I seriously had the biggest smile in a long time.